10 years

Ten years ago today, my world stopped spinning.  I was awakened by a knocking on our dorm room door, and when my roommate opened it, a friend burst in with the incomprehensible news that Mikhil, one of the best friends any of us had ever had, had gone to bed and not woken up.  Disbelief mixed with shock, and in the moment I had no idea what was happening in that space.

Ten years later, I'm still not sure what happened that morning, and the days that followed went like a blur, a combination of events that progressed as an outsider might have predicted, but as one caught inside the vortex of emotions and disillusion, I was simply along for the ride.  Memorial services left me numb, with the singular exception of the viewing of his body in a funeral home that left me paralyzed with grief.  I will never forget the feelings those tears caused in my soul. 

I still have so many questions surrounding that event.  Most of them begin with why, and perhaps I'm coming to grips that I will never find those answers this side of heaven.  The official cause of death was an enlarged heart, a condition that had no symptoms yet fatal consequences.  The words haunt me to this day, and have brought no closure, no peace, no resolution.  I still long for peace.

My questions remain unanswered, and my heart still mourns for him and his family.  Last night I was staring in the mirror, wondering what I'd done with my ten years that he didn't get.  Have I made good use of them?  Have I lived with passion and purpose?  Or have I wandered aimlessly, not using the time I have, that he didn't, for good?

I don't know why I get ten years, and hopefully many more, and he doesn't.  But it is my ongoing prayer that I use my time for good, to join in with what God is doing on this earth, that I might glorify God in whatever time I have left.