That's the question Rachel and I ask one another over and over again. We take some solace in knowing that every parent who has brought an infant home has asked the same question. We know that we are not alone in staring at this child and wondering if his chest is rising, or trying to discern if we can hear air passing over his lips. We believe that every parent of an infant has contemplated staying awake all night just to watch the child slumber in safety.
But, just because we know all these things doesn't mean that we're less scared than any of them. Just because we know that we aren't alone doesn't mean that we aren't going to lay in bed and worry about Caleb scaling the walls of his crib and wandering out into the street. It doesn't mean we aren't going to wonder if he's going to leap out of his room and sample the ant poison in the garage or take the car out for a spin. We know we aren't alone, but we know that we are afraid!
Rachel has cared for many a child before, but something changes when it is your child, when you feel like you're supposed to be the expert. Something changes, and we sit and stare at Caleb, and pray for the best while holding our breath. He looks so small, so vulnerable in that crib, and we long to keep the big, dangerous world outside for as long as we can, protecting him with a love so big the two of us can scarcely contain it.
Every time his chest falls, our own lives do the same,
Waiting for resurrection
As he inhales, life resumes
His chest lifts and carries us with it to the sky
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